1: Not a Bible--it's a rock n' roll comedy book.
When not working as a concert promoter, indie record producer or label owner, Henry Owings is the editor of Chunklet, a particularly snarky music zine from Georgia that does things like dismantle VH1 "100 Greatest"-type shows with nasty--but hilariously true--comments about each choice. Owings' new book, The Rock Bible: Unholy Scripture for Fans & Bands (Quirk Books), focuses that wit with jokes--and occasionally good advice--in the form of hundreds of commandments for acts, roadies, studio mavens, fans and anyone else who comes into Owings' crosshairs.
Some sample commandments:
* No L.A. tour managers who wear their hair in a ponytail, unless you plan on scalping them.
* If your amp has more than six knobs, you are one of them.
* If you don't laugh at the studio engineer's jokes, he will ruin your album.
* A Stax Records T-shirt can only be worn if you can name five artists that didn't have huge hits.
* If you say "My friend Neil is in that band; I've always wanted to see them," Neil is not actually your friend.
* The worst toilet paper in America is always better than the best toilet paper in Europe. It's best to bring your own, especially to Germany.
* All drummers wearing headset microphones should be required to take a food order.
* The only excuse for using a megaphone on stage is if you're a fire marshal.
* Your amps should never stack up to be taller than anybody in the band. If you can't lift that tube head on your own, you don't deserve it.
* Lo-Fi means "couldn't afford to record in a real studio."
* If you're one of those drummers who sets up at the front of the stage, back the hell up. You are the goalies of rock; play your position.
...and so forth. Interspersed throughout are sidebars like Recommended Phrases To Say To A Not-So-Great Band As They Come Off Stage ("It's nice to hear a drummer who really knows how to put some step into the kick drum"), and there's additional essays by comedian Patton Oswalt and others. A particular highlight is Bryan Teasley's "Genesis," a goofy, but surprisingly thorough Cliff Notes of Rock History, presented as the world's longest run-on sentence.
It's not for everyone--folks who accidentally pick this "bible" up expecting to learn more about CCM may walk away offended if they read the section about Groupies, for instance. For many road dogs or studio rats, however, Owings' jokes and sensibilities will ring true, and thanks to the paperback's extra-tough cover, it'll survive living in your road case or being kicked around the studio indefinitely. In all, The Rock Bible is a fun, simple way to pass the time while waiting for that guitar to finally get tuned.
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