4: I've Found Real Hope After 14 Years
14 years after my husband's first diagnosis of prostate cancer I learned several facts in this book, but, most important, for the first time it has made me begin to believe that things CAN be different for us if we both choose to work at it.Diagnosis. Treatment he chose and I said I'd support was radiation and we *thought* we'd been told about all the possible longterm effects. NOT SO! Six years later I saw a vital, athletic, physical man feeling totally becoming afraid of, tense about, uninterested in our previously-fabulous sex life. Finally, this week when I read this book, we learned that some impotence develops much later from radiation than from surgery, but it *will* develop! Then depression. Deep. Sullen. Withdrawal from interests and from me. Our physician prescribed medication and counseling. The counselor saw him *once* and said, "Go home and don't be so passive!" Flat, flat affect. No joy. But he kept *trying*, bless him! Then four years ago recurrence! It took my husband
over 6 months to choose a treatment and he only did so then because our doctor and I insisted on it! Surgery. At our city's outstanding cancer center. SUCCESS. His PSA is undetectable.
He does have some mild incontinece. The surgery team introduced us to Muse. It worked 90% for us and the team was very excited for us. We used it once. Once in 3 1/2 years! From then on my husband has just refused to act on sex, talk about sex. I've tried everything. I've begged my husband to return to the team and ask them for direction. He couldn't bring himself to do that. We grew farther and farther apart. My heart was breaking. I felt unattractive and sad and rejected. Last week I read this book. I finished it in two sittings. And I was deeply touched and am now full of hope and new courage. When I handed it to my husband I only said that it was the most important thing that has happened to us in 14 years. I said it has touched me deeply and asked him to read it this week so we can discuss it next weekend. He promised he will read it tonight.....but, interestingly, he has gone to bed early not feeling well. Whether it's another "avoiding" or a real headache I won't know but a few days. But I really believe that when he does read it he will see he's not alone. He'll see we are not alone. Right now I'm going to order several copies. I'll give one to each of our adult children so they'll know where we've been in our marriage. One will go to our surgery team to share with patients. Another will go to our family doctor so she can read it and have more personal knowledge of what prostate couples go through. This is one of the five most important books in my life.
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