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Title: The Truth about Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do to Prevent It
ISBN: 0470114630
Author:
M. Gary Neuman
Publicate Date: 2008-08-25
Publish: 2008-08-25
List Price: $24.95
Average Customer Rating: 3.5
Format: Hardcover
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Amazon Lowest New Price: $7.99
Amazon Lowest Used Price: $13.25
Amazon Merchant Price: $16.47
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| Customer Review: |
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1: Nice work... although I believe the truth may be even further to the right...
Excellent text. Easy to read. The conclusions are intuitive to most men who will readily recognize the truth in Neuman's work. With that said, there exist perhaps even more pressing, albeit unalterable, reasons men cheat.. with the idea of being drawn to something "new" and "different" rising to the forefront of my mind. So, I think the author does a great job of addressing a "catalyst" for cheating; one that is perhaps amenable to prevention or corrective action, but misses some other basic ideas that are perhaps less palatable and relatively immutable. Interestingly, I would not expect men (even in a professional/private/anonymous environment) to admit that they might cheat simply because they are looking for something a bit more thrilling than their life-time spouse, long term girlfriend, etc. For example, assuming that many of these men cheated due to the emotional gratification they experienced interacting with another woman.. one might ask, why did these men even start a relationship with this woman in the first place? How many of these men were emotionally rewarded by women who might be wholly unattractive and then proceeded down the infidelity path with these same ladies? Likely, not many. While the partners of the cheating men referenced in Neuman's book may not have been exceptionally more attractive than the man's souse, were many entirely LESS attractive? Beyond the ego-stroking affection that a "new" woman might offer.. let's not forget that it is unlikely that a man unknowingly bumped into a relatively attractive woman who THEN bolstered his self esteem... subtle as it may be, the physical attraction likely played a role in initial selection.. Moreover, perhaps the great irony is that this same woman who is appealing will likely fall into the "less appealing" category with passage of time and commitment to a long-term relationship (say, if the man leaves his current spouse and remarries this other woman) - and on and on and on... point being, let's lay ALL the cards on the table... Again, with all that said, this is a great book! Nice work!
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2: saving your marriage
A comprehensive reading of this book just might save your marriage, especially if you are a female,married or planning to marry. It might also be helpful for any male considering marriage or presently married. If I had read this it could have saved my own marriage which failed due to infidelity. You cannot undo what has been done, not ever.
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3: Super advice--no matter where you are in a relationship
Marriage counselor Gary Neuman adds this fascinating book to those he has written on helping kids cope with divorce, and also one on emotional infidelity and finding the spirituality in tie of struggle and happiness.
This book on cheating is based on survey results as well as Neuman's professional experiences. My book has many tabs marking significant pages I want to refer to when talking with friends about this.
The irony is that I am writing this review on our 41st wedding anniversary--and even I learned several things about MEN. Written for women to better understand what makes men tick-and what makes them cheat, Neuman lays it all out.
Actually the author tells women that men are complicated beings even thought women don't think they deal with emotions very well. In fact the reason men cheat are:
- 92% of men living in the U.S. who cheated said it was not primarily about sex.
- 48% of men said EMOTIONAL DISSATISFACTION was the real reason they cheated.
To eliminate a man's feeling of emotional disconnection, his wife has to take on an attitude of appreciation and kind gestures.
The male psyche is programmed to win, and if he feels like he "cannot win at home no matter what he does" in his marriage, he will find someone else who makes him feel like a winner. A man's world is about simplicity. The idea of lying about having an affair was interesting, and many men lie because they figure it is the easiest of the options they face-like telling the truth. Neuman stated that for every lie that is avoided (after the wife asks...), there is a better chance of repairing the marriage.
The book is done in two parts: 1) Why and how men cheat, and 2) How to improve your marriage. The appendix is about value of therapy and how to heal after an affair.
I liked that each chapter contains some case studies, tips and things to do, and he backs up everything with results of the survey.
This book isn't just for women who feel their husband many already be cheating, but as a prevention manual.
Armchair Interviews says: Very interesting!
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4: Not good for my marriage
Lets begin with the title of this book. My husband saw me reading this book and he cringed. The title of this book actually started an argument as to why I was reading this book. He thought, I thought he was cheating!!!
My second problem with this book is that it was written awfully similar to "Proper care and feeding of husbands" By Dr. Laura except it was done with a softer tone with facts to back it up. The truth for me is that neither book is/was helpful to my marriage. Both books want the wife to coddle the husband like a child and not hold him responsible, and to only see the good in your husband and over look what's not working, stop nagging etc. Yeah I can see how a husband would love that. It lets them off the hook for say the last 12 years of having your home in disrepair because he promises to finish the home remodeling project within the end of the month.
Trust me if you try the advice in this book you most likely will end up in a much worse place in your marriage then when you started. Nothing will ever be resolved and your husband will never know how unhappy you are until the day you throw the divorce papers at him.
You can not stop your husband from cheating. It's his choice to do so and there is not one thing you as a woman can do to control that choice because it is not YOUR choice.
If you are reading this book in hopes to fix a marriage that has gone bad, run to the phone and get an appointment with a marriage councilor. Open and honest communication is key to any good marriage and having a third party present will help make it safe for BOTH of you speak and help you learn to communicate and resolve issues so you will no longer have the laundry list of unresolved issues to spout about in an argument.
**I am editing my review because I would like to recommend Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships by David Schnarch, Ph.d as a book that is helpful for women who want a co-dependent free marriage.
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5: Men's Pain
As a man I found that the author was able to describe the ways that men feel about troubled relationships. It put into words many feelings that I and other males experience. I recommend that men read this book so that they might better articulate their distress. One of the reasons men act out their feelings rather than verbalize them is a poverty of language. This book is very articulate and puts the feelings men experience into easily understandable language. My hope is that men will begin to verbalize these feelings and that a dialog between partners can happen before an affair is started.
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