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Title: The Single Girl's Guide to Marrying a Man, His Kids, and His Ex-Wife: Becoming A Stepmother With Humor And Grace
ISBN: 0451214196
Author:
Sally Bjornsen
Publicate Date: 2005-04-05
Publish: 2005-04-05
List Price: $14.00
Average Customer Rating: 4.5
Format: Paperback
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Amazon Lowest New Price: $5.97
Amazon Lowest Used Price: $5.78
Amazon Merchant Price: $11.20
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| Customer Review: |
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1: Thank you Sally for writing this book!!!!!
This is the best book I read about getting married with step children.Sally knows what she is talking about when it comes to getting married to a guy with kids. The possibilities of what to expect...reading this will prepare you for what you are about to embark on. The information that I read will come in useful when I get married. If you know someone that is about to get married to a divorc?? with kids please, I can't stress enough to buy this book for them. They will thank you!
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2: Pass. There are far more insightful books to be read.
It was mildly entertaining at times, but this book was pretty limited in actual helpful information. Written in a cutesy style with "sassy stepmother straight scoop" recaps of already simplistic ideas, I motored through this book in an afternoon, and didn't learn anything new. I've read several other stepmother guides since, and every one of them was more useful, informative, and better written.
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3: Fabulous Resource!
This book is a fabulous resource for any woman starting the journey to becoming a stepmother. It not only gave good insight on how to handle situations that arrise but it also validated many emotions that I have experience since I started dating my wonderful boyfriend (and in turn his two great daughters, and the exwife). This book definately made me feel that I am not alone in the frustrations that come with this new chapter in my life. This is a must read for any woman diving into stepmotherhood.
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4: Before or After You Get Involved with a Divorced Man - This book is fantastic
Having beaten my head against the wall for the last two years after moving in with my boyfriend now husband I'm now willing to see how my constantly harping about the ever present ex has damaged our relationship.
This book chronicles my experience as a stepmom with great detail. How is that possible? Well I think the lesson the book helps us girls realize is that anyone in our position goes through about the same thing. We're not alone and we're not mean for thinking bad thoughts.
I've asked my husband to read the book. Just as I find it difficult to understand why he does what he does, he finds it hard, if not impossible, to understand why I take exception to the ever present ex. His thoughts are pretty much spelled out in this book too. He wonders what all the fuss is about.
Like I said above, it makes you want to beat your head against the wall trying to figure his way of thinking. My interpretation of the book is that if you want to stay with your man, be as happy as possbile, and get along with everyone, you have to accept they were a family long before you came along and always will be to some extent. We still have boundary issues we need to resolve with the ex (she'd sleep between us if she could) but overall she could make my life a hell of a lot worse as I could her. But in the end, no one wins.
Some women are lucky (sort of) and never have to deal with an ex. Those of us that do deserve a medal. Why do men feel they owe the ex? Why do they still do favors? Why do they talk to her at all????
Answer - its for the kids. Even if the ex benefits, it's for the kids.
I used to think that if I waited all this time to find the guy I'd actually want to marry (I'm 45) then he'd better be all mine. I've done everything right. Went to a great school, passed the CPA exam, make well into the 6 figures and now I have a great guy with an ex who just wants someone else to take care of her, even if he's married to someone else... How can I possibly accept that? How can I ever understand how she influences my life almost on a daily basis when she's done nothing with her life other than have two kids? Answer is in the book and amounts to this...It doesn't matter who you are or who she is. The situation is what it is so get with the program.
I disagree somewhat with some of the other reviewers who think the author gives away way too much of what she should get. It's impossible in a stepfamily to get what you need unless your husband is a widower. If the ex is in the picture, then you'd better get used to it. Good or bad.
So if you're wondering where to turn and can't imagine going on the way you are and your husband/partner is no help, then take solace from this book and know you're not alone and step outside yourself, your needs and accept the situation the way it is (barring anything egregious) and remember who he comes home to at night. Even my grandfather and brother agree with this statement. If he comes home to you at night, then be glad and stop bitching. For men its very simple. If he wanted to be with his ex he would, but he's with you so give it a rest.
The book is humorous but doesn't at all take the issues lightly. This is not written by a bitter divorced late in life lesbian who's given up on men. It's written by a woman who wants to get the word out that we're not alone and things do get better.
And she's absolutely spot on when she says the only way to gain status in your husbands life is to have a child. The Mommy club is an exclusive one. I've lived outside of it for too long to believe otherwise. I'm too old to want to have kids so I've lost my opportunity to be a part of the club. But please don't take her reference about having a baby as being manipulative or wrong. Its the truth. The ex will always claim a better standing in his life as the mother of his kids until you have one or more of your own together. Period. Wish I still had a chance at that.
Good luck girls.
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5: Depressing.
Just some of my background information: I've been "involved" with a man with two daughters for about eight months now. We're not making any plans to get married or anything of that sort, but we've all been living together for six months. I'm twenty-one, completely unprepared for this, but I love him and want to make this work, but most of the time I feel like I've jumped right into the deep end of a swimming pool and have forgotten how to swim-- and I used to be on a swim team!
I was looking for something uplifting, that would give me some hope and set some rules as to what is expected of me as a sort-of-step-parent, which this did do, to some degree. But mainly, I now just feel more hopeless than before.
Bjornsen just can't seem to get off the "the kids come first" boat. I mean, I understand that the kids come first-- we're struggling to keep food in the fridge, and I have literally starved to make sure his kids had something to eat-- one of the things that really attracted me to my guy is that his kids are so important to him-- but feeling like I come second all the time is part of what prompted me to buy this book (which I really could just barely afford to do). I don't need someone preaching to me that I come second and that's that, deal with it, amen.
Not that all the information and tips she gives are dreadful-- at least now I don't feel so completely alone, knowing that others feel how I feel sometimes. But this was really just like getting kicked in the face right back down to the bottom of the family totem pole (where I was already, anyway, and really didn't need another push). Sheesh, what era is this lady living in? Are we still in the 1800's? Is a woman's worth still whether or not she can, will, and/or has popped a few babies out?
If you're completely new to taking care of someone else's kids, kid's that you've never bonded with before, and you're trying to figure out how to turn all these seemingly unconnected lives into a family, and if you at least have some understanding in yourself beforehand of how important the children and their needs (emotional and physical) are, I wouldn't recommend this book-- unless of course you want to feel selfish and even more frustrated than you were to begin with.
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