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Title: Secret Ceremonies
ISBN: 0440217806
Author:
Deborah Laake
Publicate Date: 1994-03-05
Publish: 1994-03-05
List Price: $6.50
Average Customer Rating: 3.0
Format: Mass Market Paperback
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Amazon Lowest New Price: $5.00
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1: So sad
This poor woman seemed to have psychological problems which made her life pretty miserable. What is worse is how her church treated her. Evidently the way the Mormon church dealt with her after her divorce is standard. I found it appalling. I found the church's actions manipulative, invasive, and improper. It seems she has come out of her ordeal as a confident, productive person for which I applaud her.
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2: Great life lessons found here!
"The mind is a dark genius - it can rationalize anything."
-- Denis Waitley
The book "Secret Ceremonies" makes for a fascinating case study - and not just the one that the author was aiming for.
Ms. Laake didn't know that her mental illness would return or that she was developing breast cancer and that she would eventually take her own life (February 6, 2000) when she was putting the finishing touches on this book back in the early 1990's. No, it's not in the book but that's how her story ends. But to fully understand the end one must rewind the tape and view the beginning and middle of the story - and that's where this one gets really interesting because there's a "take away" for everyone in this book.
To this listener (I listened to the audiobook) the overarching, recurring theme in Ms. Laake's story is denial. This is hardly surprising since in order to survive in a cult one must remain in a constant state of denial.
Specifically, one must deny your core values, beliefs, feelings and perception in favor of the new reality provided by the binding system. The psychological term for this is "snapping". The refusal (or reluctance) to "snap" will not enable you to fully participate in, let alone succeed in the group. Based on the mountain of testimonies from ex-Mormons it's clear that this "double bind snap" is the order of the day in the LDS Church. (For a full dissertation on this read "The Pattern of The Double-Bind in Mormonism" by Marion Stricker)
Never-the-less, it's fascinating to see how denial was so internalized that it dominated Ms. Laake's thinking long after she was out of the church. As Terry Greene Sterling, a former colleague at the Phoenix Times put it, "Laake liked to think of herself as a brutally honest journalist, and she was, except when she wrote about herself." she goes on to explain, " . . . shortly after her suicide, I realized she had blamed Mormonism and the men in her life for her mental illness, for the terrible dark spells that followed the giddy manic highs." And there lays the platinum "take away" of this intriguing book - how Deborah Laake systematically denies any responsibility for her behavior and the damaged life that resulted from it.
For example, Terry Greene Sterling goes on to document how, "She wept that Mormon leaders would not allow her to eulogize her mother during an upcoming church funeral, wouldn't even let her sit in the front of the church with the family. Of course, she should have expected such a reaction after ripping into the Mormon church in 'Secret Ceremonies,' but she couldn't recognize the ugly logic . . . "
Another example is how she was so expert at choosing romantic pursuits that were dysfunctional to point of being destructive. The data provided in the book would indicate that she had a pattern of impulsively first romanticizing and later villanizing the men in her life. Her courtships are counted here in months as are her marriages and affairs. Yet Ms. Laake never seems to consider the possibility that she didn't let enough time elapse to really get to know her love interests before she made serious, life impacting physical and romantic commitments to them. It never seems to occur to her that she was only positively emotionally invested in the relationship until a major commitment -- such as marriage or living together -- was made.
In other words, she never got to know the "real" person behind the "dream lover" before she gave herself up. Then as soon as the real person emerged suddenly, other new, idealized relationships seemed far more interesting. (If the discerning reader is wondering if Ms. Laake was exhibiting the classic symptoms of a romance addict you're not alone)
In a similar vein, Ms. Laake employs a mocking tone toward the Mormon/LDS Church but there's no indication in the book that she any pursued other, more mainstream belief systems or philosophies. She never attempted to figure out why the LDS Church is defined as a "cult" rather than a "denomination" or "sect". Frankly, I didn't sense any real spiritual hunger in Ms. Laake, just a general disdain for authority figures in general, male authority figures in particular under girded by an emotive attention seeking personality.
This is reflected in how the devout (both genders) and the leaders in the book (overwhelmingly male) come off as naive idiots that she is somehow smarter and superior to despite her lack of practical and theological education as well as her limited life experience relative to theirs. This is classic narcissistic, ego-driven grandiosity that this reviewer found trying -- it's amusing when it's coming from an ignorant, inexperienced adolescent but grating coming from a 40-something adult.
As if to put a spotlight on this type of "baby with the bath water" thinking, in her summation Ms. Laake rejects any form of systematic theology labeling it "God as defined by controllers" as if only HER experience and understanding of God is legitimate and she is immune from controlling, manipulative behavior due to her "victim" role - which ironically is the historic "career path" for emerging cult leaders. (see Walter Martin's classic "The Kingdom of the Cults" for a full exposition)
So in the end the big, troubling question that this book raises isn't, "Is the Mormon/LDS Church a wacky, controlling, potentially dangerous cult?" there are any number of fine books that have answered that in detail to the affirmative.
Rather the better question is, "Was Deborah Laake's mental illness a result of being traumatized by the Mormon/LDS Church or by other factors?" This, I believe, is the better question because it elevates this intriguing and riveting book past it's banal particulars to far more valuable universal questions. As another reviewer (in this case an Ex-Mormon man) put it so well,
"I think any Mormon who grew up in the church (especially females) can relate in some way to her story. Most of us haven't ended up in mental institutions, due in part, because of the pressures the church and our LDS families place on us, but it isn't too difficult to see how that could possibly happen. . . . Non-members, as well as former or current LDS members, should find this book to be a very interesting autobiography. "
Or as Elizabeth Browning said so well, "Always learn from experience - preferably someone else's" To me, this book is a marvelous example of where an unexamined, unenlightened, self-absorbed life will lead you. The Mormon/LDS Church in that light simply becomes a minor character in this great and wonderful play called, "Life".
Like I said at the beginning, there's a "take away" for everyone in this fine book and I highly recommend it!
Books that expand on the issues raised in this book and review:
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The Pattern of The Double-Bind in Mormonism
Twisted Scriptures: A Path to Freedom from Abusive Churches
Take Back Your Life: Recovering from Cults and Abusive Relationships
Boundaries
Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You
Games People Play: The Basic Handbook of Transactional Analysis.
Keeping the Faith: Guidance for Christian Women Facing Abuse
Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse, The, repack: Recognizing and Escaping Spiritual Manipulation and False Spiritual Authority Within the Church
Healing Spiritual Abuse: How to Break Free from Bad Church Experiences
Toxic Churches: Restoration from Spiritual Abuse
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3: Candid Account of A Woman Seeking Truth
I was sad to read that Deborah Laake died a few years after she wrote this and wondered if the thought of dying of cancer provoked her to suicide or if it was disappointment in the direction her life took and maybe a sense of the looming condemnation from "the church", a term I use loosely. Anyway, it IS a page-turner, a bit too explicit for my taste in some parts, and pretty revealing concerning the Temple ceremonies. For someone wanting a Mormon woman's point of view, this one is priceless.
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4: Secret Ceremonies revealed
This was a very well written book. It gave me an insight I had never hoped to find. I was grateful to have found this book. My step brother joined the Mormon religion so he could marry his high school girlfriend. The day he married, my step mother stood on the steps of the Temple fuming b/c NONE of his family was allowed inside during the Mormon ceremony. As Catholics we were not privy to their secrets and esoteric hoo-ha. I knew why were standing out there on the steps. I had read Deborah Laake's book. I wasn't sorry that I wasn't inside. I wouldn't want to stand there watching my brother pretend to disembowel himself. It's sick. Early on he started talking about having his own planet in the Celestial Kingdom or some such nonsense. He turned into a snotty jackass with delusions of grandeur. It was all very frightening. I think Deborah Laake was incredibly brave to try and find a life beyond being just another sheep. Her book really spoke of her existential struggle. I think if her church had been the loving community it professes to be, she'd have been able to ask questions and find some peace. She was a gifted writer. I found her story humorous at times and painfully tragic at others. I'm just devastated to learn that she committed suicide. The church turned against her for asking questions. She was excommunicated...kicked her out of her life. The self serving smug attitude of the church is the most un Christian behavior I have ever witnessed. It's a cult by definition. I Hope that Deborah Laake found her peace.
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5: A book about women in general, not just Mormons
I finished this book quickly - it was a page-turner for me. I found the descriptions of Mormon ritual, garments, and thought very interesting. I live just outside "Zion" (as they call their territory), and there are many Mormons here - I live adjacent to two Mormon families. I've found copies of The Book Of Mormon INSIDE my garage (stamped property of their library), and have often wondered just what their lives are like, especially the women. The book also clarifies the reasons for the Mormon attitude and way of dealing with "the rest of us".
After reading the book, however, I found that I identified with much of it more because of the time-frame than because of religion. The attitudes Ms. Laake talked about extended way beyond the LDS Church. The idea that the man's the boss in HIS house, that women are "less" and are to be controlled, and that the sex act itself is the biggest sin of all (for women) were prevelent then, and still are in some ways. Those of us who grew up in those days will find a lot of the incidents in this book familiar, Mormon or not.
I've known many Mormons, and this book explains much that I had questions about, but never got answers to. I was unaware that Ms. Laake had passed away - that makes me sad - but I hope she came to terms with all of her troubles and found some happiness and peace.
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